Monday, June 8, 2015

I'm Sorry, Dear Heart

I admit it, I overused you. I'm sorry.

Besides from "Goodbye", I think "Sorry; I am sorry" is the other hardest thing to say. This is why I am here now, writing this piece not for anyone else, but for my heart. I am here writing this piece with all my courage together to apologize to you, my dear heart.

I want you to know that I just realized I was wrong. It's wrong to abuse you, to overuse something's capabilities for your own satisfaction. I was wrong when I put you on risk, when I pushed you to your limits, when all I cared about was my peace of mind. I was afraid, to be honest. I was afraid that I might end up regretting what we could have done, blaming myself for not taking a step up. I was so afraid I didn't even think about you and how I was abusing you and your capabilities - to love and to be loved- all I thought about was me and the things I was craving for. 

I'm sorry, dear heart for stoping you to seek for new air. I'm sorry for putting you in the cage that you shouldn't belong. I'm sorry for consuming you and your will to love. 

You we're in pain and I didn't even notice it. I didn't notice it because I was looking for the peace I've been wishing for. You we're full of wounds, but I just denied it. I denied it, because I was in pain too. I denied it because I was selfish and selfless at the same time. I denied it, because I was afraid. I am sorry I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn't have it again. I was afraid that you wouldn't feel it again. I was afraid for the both us - I'm sorry.

I thought, if I kept holding on, that would make you feel better, that would give me peace. I thought, if I kept holding on and never let go, you'll be happy, I'll be happier in the end. I was wrong. I am sorry, I was wrong.

I'm sorry, I didn't trust you and the wonders you can make. I'm sorry I took in charge and didn't listen to you and your complaint. I'm sorry I was full doubts. Doubts about our future.

I'm sorry, my dear heart if I forced you to be stronger when you were so weak and all you want to do is to take a break and regain yourself again. I never let you, I never gave you time. I never gave space to breathe in, to grow. I jailed you, and you didn't deserve it.

I'm sorry if it took me so much time to let go and realize. I admit it, it was like a struck of a lighting bolt when I realized I had to stop - not for me, but for you. It was like a slap in the face when I realized one morning that we were both unhappy; we were both dying. At the moment, I was full of shame. Shame, to me, is a like a disease, it spread out to my whole body, my system. I was ashamed, that I couldn't talk to you, I couldn't even use you. I had to give us space and time - so we could both heal and grow. Maybe not at the same time, but I knew we'll heal. And we did, thru time and space, we did. 

You don't know how happy I am to know that we are both ready again - to love and be loved. You don't know how excited I am to know there's a happier future for us, brighter skies and better sunshines. 

Now that we are already both here, surpassed the dark skies and lightless tunnels, and healed every wound we had, I know we are stronger and braver now. I'm wiser now, don't you worry. I'll never let you down again.

Thank you. Thank you for healing and coming back stronger.

I'm sorry, my dear heart, I wont let you down this time. :)

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