Wednesday, September 23, 2015

To The Girl Who You Have Now

I am not writing this for you, not anymore. I am writing this for her... 

Hello! I am not sure how much you know about me, but I am here, writing to you straight up.

I want you to know that I don't write rude. I'm not rude, but I'm brutally honest. I love being honest of and with what I feel, because I know I owe myself the truth. And I know how excruciating truth can be sometimes, but I owe it not to anyone, but myself. One thing I learned from this process we called life is, truth hurts so much it comes out rude to people who can't accept it. Truth is a bitch, especially to those who don't want it. It's fine if you still can't understand. It's fine if you still choose not to understand it.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry if you're bothered with my existence. I'm sorry if you have sleepless nights because you can't help, but to be paranoid of what the future awaits for you and for him. I'm sorry. You came in first, I know that. I even accepted the fact that you will always be there even when I'm not around anymore, but I'm sorry if you can't accept the bite of reality that I was loved first before you. I'm sorry if he had to get broken and lost before he noticed that you're just there standing behind him through his ups and downs. And I'm sorry if he can't love you the same way he loved me. We all know that with me, it will always be different and you just have to live with it. You just have to live with the existing reality, because you are the one who wanted this in the first place and not me. I'm sorry, but you need stop putting the blame on me.

I don't know (and I don't care either) if the past still hunts you up until now. I don't care if you can't live the present in a better way because the past always comes knocking to your door whenever you two argue. I don't care if the ghost of the past clouds your heart and mind; gives you shivers and cold feet. I don't care because I have nothing to do with it since the time I walked away from everything I had with him. I have nothing to say about it since the day he let me go. I want you to know - no, I want you to understand - I have already moved forward, I couldn't afford to stop and fix something that is so broken. I can't fix it, because I don't need and even want it anymore. I guess that's what we do to hopeless broken things, right? Junk it and sometimes we throw it away. I have already moved forward, and I don't care if you haven't, but I hope you do soon, because I must say, peace is so good.

Don't worry. Don't worry, I will never steal him back. I will never come to you and beg for him to come back, if I want that, I should've have done it 2 years ago. I didn't, because I have no plans on doing it, so stop worrying about it. I don't want to take something back that is full of doubts. I can't have something that isn't substantial enough to push me beyond my limits. I don't want something that can't give me what I deserve. I don't want to take care of something that suffocates and kills my dreams. I will never take him back from you, and that's a promise. He's all yours now, yours to keep forever if you can. 

He's the reason why I'm writing again, but he will never be the reason why I'm happy, smiling now. What we've lost pushed me to learn more about what life is and love does, and that pushed me to write and be better everyday. I am better now, I want to tell you this a million times - I am better now. 

I know this is a slap on our faces, but let's just face it. We might not be in the same circle, but our world is too tiny, we share a lot of friends and we can't do anything about it anymore. It's already there, let's just face it. Again, I will understand if you can't. I will understand if you don't have the guts to face the truth. I understand if you can't live sharing people with me, because to be honest I tried wishing I wasn't sharing the world with you. I stopped wishing for it, I got over it, collected my guts and live with it. To me, it's just a distant reality that I couldn't change. I'm ok with it now, I wish you'll know how to be cool about it too.

One day if we cross paths again, I'd like to say "Hi" to you with a smile on my lips and eyes, not because I want us to be friends or anything, but because I think it's a nice gesture to make you realize that I am never rude, even to the people who tried to put me down to sorrow and fear. I wish when that day comes, you'll smile to me and say "hi" back. I wish when that day comes, I'll see that peaceful glow shining from your heart. I wish when that day comes you are ready, because I am  always ready.

One day, if the universe will allow him to sit down and talk to me, face to face, I wish he's carrying the balls he didn't have before. I wish he will be brave enough to face me and talk things over. I wish this to happen not because I want us to be okay, I don't want it for me, because I don't really need it. I want for him. I don't want him to get the answers to all his questions, but I want him to get over and accept the fact that there are no right answers to those and there are questions that are better left unanswered. I wish when that day comes, he is already better. 

I'm the girl who he left for you, and I'm comfortable saying that out loud. Thank God he did left. Thank God he chose you and not me. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment