Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Reason Why I Stopped Loving You

Maybe we both know, but we ignored it.

I know it's been years now, but I guess you deserve to know. You deserve every bit of honesty from me. This is me, honestly telling you and literally the whole world (wide web) why I stopped loving you. 

Maybe we both know that we are never meant to be. I guess we just ignored that fact we are never a perfect and even good match. We thought love could conquer all. We thought love is enough. I snapped out, to be honest. I snapped out of reality that love isn't enough, and will never be enough. And that's the reason I stopped loving you.

I have high standards, and I guess you should know that you didn't meet my standards. I got contented to something that is lesser than what I think I deserve and that made me unhappy in the long run. I felt like I'm drowning, suffocated with mediocrity. I know this is painful to hear from someone you used to love, but I had a hard time to talk about you proudly with my friends. Of course, I was proud to have you, but never proud to talk about you. I guess I didn't have anything to tell about you. You don't have passion. You are dependent and you are always late. You like to draw but you never pushed yourself to be good at it. You do things just because and not because you want it deep inside. You are simply lesser than my standards and that's why I had to stop loving you.

You aren't worth my time. I've always put you before the things I want to do. I held back my dreams because I wanted to be with you. It sucks to regret the time I have wasted on you, chasing you and trying to make you fall in love with me over and over again. It sucks a thousand more to wake up one morning realizing that I couldn't take back the time I have wasted on loving you. That's why I chose to stop loving you. I wanted to regroup and re-plan. I want to spend the time left for me on better things and better people.

You are stagnant. If there's one thing I learned about life, that's people shouldn't be stagnant. It's either we go up, down, back or forward. You, you are stagnant. I am never be comfortable with being "steady". I don't like getting stuck in a certain situation, feel or even place. It's depressing. It feels like, you let the world leave you behind. I don't know how you do that, how you live your life that way. And that's why I stopped loving you. To me, you are a stagnant water that has a vague importance in someone's life, well at least in my own life.

I got lost along the road. I thought I was on track because you were by my side, but I was wrong. I ignored it, but I couldn't help, but to notice I was already taking the wrong path. I wanted to escape, but I didn't; I wanted to leave, but I chose not to, and that's because of you. That's why I stopped loving you, because of you. You consumed all of me. You pushed me to a path never wanted to take. You pushed me to a path that I never belong to. You consumed all of me and lose me along the way.

You are selfish. The only thing you cared about was your happiness, your freedom, but did you ever think of what would I feel? Did my feelings matter to you? Didn't you ever think that I, too wanted my freedom back? Well, I want to you to know, I wanted freedom back. I wanted to escape you, but I chose to be selfless for someone so selfish. You are selfish, that's why I stopped loving you.

You are boring. You always tell  me about how you #YOLO with your friends, but to be honest, you bore me. I realized I couldn't be with someone who doesn't do things with depth.I stopped loving you, because I'd rather be with someone who likes staying in and watch a full on marathon of his favorite war TV series, but gives me shivers and thrill when we talk about our life plans than be with someone who likes to drink until morning with his friends, but bores me with his delusional promises.

You are a coward. I stopped loving you when I realized you're too coward to decide - from a simple decision of where to eat and what to do on a date to a bigger than life decision on whether who to love and stand for. I stopped loving you and I turned off all the things I could feel for someone like you, a coward. I realized I deserve someone brave enough to fight for me and with me. I realized you are not that person and you will never be that person.

I loved you too much. And I guess that's how it really goes, right? When you love a person, it's either you love him too much or don't love him at all. I loved you so much that it made me love myself less. That's why I chose to stop and turn my back on you. I loved you too much that it made me forget one important thing, and that's to love and respect myself more than anyone else. I had to save everything that is left in me - my capacity to love a person fully with no but and what ifs. I chose to stop loving you, because I want to love myself more, because that's what I deserve - to be loved.

You don't deserve me. I am not perfect and will never. BUT, you don't deserve me. The real reason why I stopped all I could ever feel for you is because you don't deserve any of it. And yes, even in the first place.

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