Remember?

Of course, I thought you were different. I thought you and I were special, destined to be with each other... Forever. Remember, forever? 

You knew that I never believed in “forever”. Forever was never in my dictionary. Forever is just a word to me. Just a word.

Remember?

Remember the day when we first met? It wasn’t romantic. In fact, it was too casual, but from that first time you have already stole my heart.

Remember the night when you said “I love you” and I said “I love you” back?  It was one of the best nights of my life.

Remember the night you left me a text message? You said you wanted you to be my “source of happiness”. And then you became my source of happiness, my happy pill. When I read that message you sent, for the first time in my life, I cried, happy tears came down from my eyes.

Remember the day when you promised me “forever”? I was doubtful that time, and you knew that. I never believed in “forever”. Forever was never in my dictionary. Forever is just a word to me. At the moment, you were very sure that I AM your “forever” and that you don’t want anyone else but me. After several nights and days, I confide to myself that I’m falling for your promise. I have trusted you and your “forever”. I have fell in love with the fact that we BOTH are sure about us and our so-called “forever”.

Remember those days and nights when we sent each other long good morning and good night messages? I never wanted to erase them. And I must say, up to now I still have some of them saved in my old phone - it's not functional now, I wouldn't be able to read them again, and that's fine. I wouldn't be able to read them again and they won't matter to me again.

Remember those nights that we fought and fell asleep without talking? I never liked those nights. I thought those were just “normal” in a relationship, but I should have said sorry first. You should have said sorry first.  We shouldn’t have let each other fell asleep weeping over some crazy childish arguments. We shouldn't, but we did - and that's a lesson learned from now on.

Remember the night when you finally made a choice? And you chose to break my heart like a promise. I thought I was going to die that night.  And honestly, I think I did, part of me died when you said goodbye. I thought there will be no more morning afterwards. It felt like I have no reason to smile again, to breathe and wake up again. It felt like someone took my sunshine.  Someone killed my own joy. It felt like someone stole my happiness away from me.

Remember the day when you started talking to me again? I thought you were ready to give us a second chance.  I thought you were ready to fight for me again. I thought… You even told me that you still love me and that I am "the one". I thought you were going to come back to me, because honestly I was ready by then, I was ready to give you another chance. I was ready to give us another shot.  Maybe that’s how much I loved you. I have loved you so much that it consumed all of me. I have loved you so much that I would take every chance I have to get you back, to get us back. I should have run away from you, from the pain that you might cause me again, but I didn’t.

Remember that day before Christmas when I finally said “I’m done with you”? You didn’t say anything. You just let me go. You said you didn’t want to stop me from walking away from you because you don’t want me to get hurt again, but you hurt me again. You didn’t stop me and that hurt me… again - for the nth time.

If you remember me now, at this moment, don't worry. I am better now. If you still checking my instagram, you would know. I'm doing better. I'm happy now, happier I can say. And I sincerely hope you are too. I sincerely want you to find yourself, not because I still love you - I have loved you so much that I can't love you anymore now - but because I want you to be your own source of happiness. You were my source of happiness, you were and you will never be again. I believe that things that are stolen from you are the things that shouldn't be with you in the first place. You shouldn't be mine as I shouldn't be yours, I guess. 

If you remember me now, I hope you remember how I smile at you or at some other cute stuff. I hope my smile still makes you smile, not because I don't want you to forget me, but because I want to be remembered by you as a happy memory. 

If you remember me now, I wish I bring smile and not tears to your eyes. I wish my memory brings out the dimples on your cheeks and not wrinkles on forehead. I want you to be happy, not because I sympathize you, but because I can't be mad at you. I'm not mad at you anymore. 

If you remember me now, I want you to know that I remember you sometimes. Rarely though, but I still remember you, and yes I remember you not because you are still special to me, but because you were once special to me. 

I won't blame you if you don't remember everything about me and you, because I, too, can't remember everything about us. I, too, see us as blurred memories. 

Remember, forever? 

You knew that I never believed in “forever”. Forever was never in my dictionary. Forever is just a word to me. Just a word.

XO,