To the Man I said "No" To

  Hello... I'm sorry

I know I wasted so much of your effort and time. You gave your all and I was too selfish to just accept and never gave you something in return. And if you are regretting meeting me, I understand, because I regret not meeting you sooner - the time when I still have no doubts about men like you. I wish I met you when I was more idealistic than realistic. It's really hard when you are both but more realistic now. It's hard when your beliefs are stained with pain and broken promises and lies. It's hard when you finally broke free from your downfall, then suddenly reality slams you of meeting someone new  who makes you feel special again after so long, then one day slams you again with a thought of "what if" and you begin to panic and fear holds you back and you stop from falling. It feels like you are choking, you are torn between two kinds of happiness. It wasn't easy, to be honest. Saying no to you wasn't easy. 

It isn't you, promise! It isn't you. You didn't do anything wrong or anything that would make me back out of what we have - had.  It's just me, really, it's me. I'm the wrong one. I had to say no to you, because I know that I'm the wrong one for you. You don't deserve me as I don't deserve you, all of you. You're too perfect for me and I was so afraid to believe that you are too perfect. I did believe in you, a little, and I knew "a little" wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't be enough for me to take back my "no" and say "yes" to you. 

I still can't believe that you drove from North to South just to see me, just to say "Hi". You give me the flowers you promised me. They were beautiful like your eyes. I'm sorry, I'm sorry you did exert a lot of effort, you did waste so much of your time - and gas - on me. 

You amaze me on how you fix your hair when it's windy, because it's too long to be kept away from your face whenever the wind blows, but still too short for a man bun. It makes me feel like we're in a movie, slow motion, sunset. It's sad that I wouldn't be in that the scene again with you. I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to help you fix your goddamn gorgeous wavy hair when the cold winds come and mess it for you again. 

It's always a perfect picture when you check on me and smile at me while you're driving. It makes my heart melt a little, to be honest. And my heart melts even more to know that I wouldn't see that smile again. I'm sorry that I wouldn't be able to smile back to you again. 

I'm not sure if you noticed, but you make me blush whenever you reach out your arms to me and hug me like there's no tomorrow. You always do that when you tease me and I get annoyed. My face to your chest (oh god your chest, it's perfect, too, just so you know), I couldn't imagine how I managed to still breathe in and out at those moments. Those were perfect, like you, and those are gone too, like you.

Of course, I'll never forget to mention that you are never late, in fact you're always 5 minutes early. I'm sorry if you had to wait in the car or if you had to stroll around while waiting for me. I'm sorry for the times I made you wait, and I'm sorry, but this time, you can stop waiting for me. You should  stop wasting your time waiting for someone who enjoys taking her time at the moment. 

You never fail to make me feel so secure and loved and taken care of. You never fail to make me laugh even to your corniest joke. You never fail to make me  smile even if I had 101 reasons not to. Thank you for never failing, and I'm sorry if I fail you. 

I tell you again, it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to make a decision. To choose happiness over happiness, but I'm sorry I had say no to you. I couldn't imagine losing you in another way around - you saying no to me - I'm too afraid to handle that. I'm too afraid hearing you giving up on me, that's why I gave you up. I'm sorry for being selfish to hurt you, and I never gave you a chance to hurt me back even I knew I deserve the same pain you have now.  I'm sorry to let you love me, but I never took the risk to love you the way you deserve to be loved. 

I did love you, I'm sorry, but... I did.